BPD, what’s that?

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/treatment.aspx

http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/8/1/10 (This one talks about Dialectal Behavior therapy)

Let’s talk about BPD or also called emotional dysregulation disorder.. That’s a new one aye?

So above i provided some links.. Interesting bit of information. I always try to research. For years, I have been looking and wanting and asking to find out the correct diagnosis for my noggin. I’ve been treated for Bipolar, depression, mood swings, anxiety, different stress disorders. Eventually you don’t really remember what they tell you. Until recently, I didn’t think anyone would have the right information for me. And I had thankfully gotten an awesome therapist to be straight up with me and after asking question after question, she broke it all down for me and made sense of the hurricane in my head.

She read me the definition. And in my head I checked every single one off.

Here is the google def:

Borderline personality is a mental health disorder with symptoms that include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impassivity, and impaired social relationships.
Treatments include talk therapy or, in some cases, medications. Hospitalization helps if symptoms are severe. (I call BULLSHIT, but what works for some may not work for others and the hospital i went to was shyte, so if you need help, get it in whatever form may be available to you)
Symptoms?
Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsive, and impaired social relationships.
Also:
Behavioral: self-harm, social isolation, compulsive lying, irritability, risky behavior, lack of restraint, impulsive, self-destructive behavior, compulsive behavior, antisocial behavior, or hostility
Mood: anger, loneliness, general discontent, sadness, mood swings, inability to feel pleasure
Psychological: anxiety, narcissism, grandiosity, depression, distorted self-image, or fear
Also common: thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts, self harming

diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in 5

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in 5

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe associative symptoms.

It kind of pisses me off though. Because I am a walking definition of this fucking mental illness! My therapist ended up recommending me to another therapist, to a “specialist” for this disorder. So I pretty much expect the only thing that will change is that my medical bills will go up lol

She said that she wanted me to see a specialist because she wanted to be straight with me. Didn’t want to attempt at fixing something that wasn’t her specialty. Her specialty is drug and alcohol addictions. Not my fortay lol I am happy that she was straight with me. That she took the time to make me understand that this is not something doctors like to diagnose because it is such a difficult illness to deal with and to treat. As you read above and as I know it it. I look at my patterns from the past and it’s true, I seek out help and then the second I think it isn’t working I either quit or lash out. My entire life can almost be summed up by my illness, which is sad. It makes me hurt, angry, want to go looking for a fight so I can take it all out on them like it’s their fault. But it’s not. It’s not even my fault. I can’t even blame it on genetics because you can’t control that shit. I can blame it on a few things but what does it do for me to blame it on someone or something? Nothing really. I mean it leads me back to where I know it stared but that doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t stop the ten year old me from being raped. It doesn’t stop the 14 year old me from being drugged at a party and raped (or whatever was done because he was leaving when i was gaining consciousness). It doesn’t stop my mom from saying I’m a liar or that she doesn’t believe me or that when I told her I was cutting and depressed that i was saying it for attention.

I can’t blame anyone besides myself. But can I even do that?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s