Mean and green, HULK SMASH! I get it. The triggers, they make you mean and want to fuck shit up and you go on a rage, all you see it red. Little ticks, little troubles, little things that make you go off. Anger has been this ongoing emotions that is started to kill of everything around me. I’m starting to be okay with that. Because if I don’t have people around me, they can’t hurt me and I can’t hurt them. They have a fair chance at getting out alive, no that it’s likely. I pull people in and spit them out before they even know what’s happening half the time. I pull them in as fast as I push them away.
Anger is such a powerful emotion. i feel like it consumes me. It almost controls me. Like I’m under that influence. I know it’s just me getting worse, I just don’t know what to do to handle it. I have my next appointment on Thursday and then my med doctor Friday but I don’t know if I’m gonna last that long before I snap and lash out. I feel it coming on. I have this want… need… to smash someones fucking face into a goddamn wall. I almost want to hurt people even thought I know it’s so wrong. These thoughts are so wrong. I have control not to but it’s eating at me. I can’t control my reactions or what comes out of my mouth when I am triggered. It’s crazy, I can’t explain it. Screaming and yelling at people is the only thing that keeps me from lashing out and hurting people. I feel like i need to be strapped to a fucking bed in a ward. I feel like HULK SMASH! that’s what it’s like.. Let me HULK SMASH your stupid fucking face in. It doesn’t help that I work with a bunch of fucking idiots, that makes it so much worse.
So much fucking worse. I want to hurt people and that scares me. I’m pretty sure that fear is the only thing keeping me in place and not fucking killing people. I need to bring this up when I go to the doctor but I don’t want this to be something that gets me involuntarily hospitalized.