Abandoned By Validation.

So two of the biggest symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are abandonment issues and validation issues. These are both things that form the disorder, mental illness. It is a no joke kind of thing to live with. It is an extreme mood/ emotional instability disorder, along with having identity issues.

By validation issues I mean like when I was raped and told my mom and she did’n’t believe me, saying things like “That never happened”, “It didn’t happen that way I’m sure.” “Are you sure you were actually raped?” And my personal favorite that she used when I told her I was depressed and cutting and wanting to commit suicide is “You’er just saying that for attention…” Those are just some of the things she said when I brought both of those situations to her attention. Only did she believe me when I showed her the scars and fresh, scabbed cuts on my arms and legs and showed her my suicide note and plans. Yeah it took all that and being validated by a shrink and a psychiatrist before believe me.

My abandonment issues probably started with the shit I dealt with with my biological mom, I mean placenta donor. No I will not hash out every single detail of that travesty in this post, I’ll save that story for later. Even though my father was there, as in he lived with me and my step mom, he wasn’t really there. He was always working, his work always came first (still does), that took priority (he said he was doing it for us, to have better lives, so he could give us everything he never had.), but I don’t know him, I don’t trust him to tell him my secrets, I never really spent time with him. I had my step mom, my only mom but i was always afraid she would leave too. (Do to the fact that the placenta donor left and was in and out of my life since then with no reasons at all. She’d never give reasons for why she would up and leave or do the things she did.) But she never left. (thank the fucking stars because I would have been buried years ago).

But eventually she had her own set of kids. It seems that those children were a lot more important to him. (how childish that sounds but it is a very true statement.) My three sisters know our father better then I ever will. He compares them to himself in all these great ways, in ways he has never looked at me or my brother. He says he cares, he says he will always be there for me (even though he’s not), he says all these wonderful things and I hear them but all i hear are lies. Because he broke every promise he ever made to me. He didn’t come to my choir concerts, my plays or even my talent show senior year (I was so scared lol stage fright like a bitch). But he has went to every single one of theirs. He has kept every promise to them. And even now, at the age of 23 years old, it hurts, it pisses me off, it angers me so much. I have been abandoned by my own mother and father (in certain ways, whether h sees it or not.)

Every relationship I’ve had, I have dealt with these same issues. And I have learned to either stay out of them, don’t have friends or push them away before they get to close and have the chance to hurt you, deceive you, lie to you, abandon you.

Leave me in my misery and I will rise and shine by myself. That’s what I have gotten to. I’m working on helping myself. I can’t do it on my own. They always ask you, when you start therapy, if you have loved ones and ones that care about you, a support system. I mean kinda. When it’s conveinent for them. My mom loves to pull the “You’er just being over dramatic, it’s not that bad, get over it…” when she gets tired of dealing with me.

I’m so used to being miserable that I can’t even enjoy being happy when it comes around.

Also, for anyone interested to know, my brother is still in jail, he is waiting for bonds to be lowered and they might let him out on a signature bond which is exciting because I miss that little asshole.

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