BPD, what’s that?

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/treatment.aspx

http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/8/1/10 (This one talks about Dialectal Behavior therapy)

Let’s talk about BPD or also called emotional dysregulation disorder.. That’s a new one aye?

So above i provided some links.. Interesting bit of information. I always try to research. For years, I have been looking and wanting and asking to find out the correct diagnosis for my noggin. I’ve been treated for Bipolar, depression, mood swings, anxiety, different stress disorders. Eventually you don’t really remember what they tell you. Until recently, I didn’t think anyone would have the right information for me. And I had thankfully gotten an awesome therapist to be straight up with me and after asking question after question, she broke it all down for me and made sense of the hurricane in my head.

She read me the definition. And in my head I checked every single one off.

Here is the google def:

Borderline personality is a mental health disorder with symptoms that include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impassivity, and impaired social relationships.

Treatments include talk therapy or, in some cases, medications. Hospitalization helps if symptoms are severe. (I call BULLSHIT, but what works for some may not work for others and the hospital i went to was shyte, so if you need help, get it in whatever form may be available to you)

Symptoms?

Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsive, and impaired social relationships.

Also:

Behavioral: self-harm, social isolation, compulsive lying, irritability, risky behavior, lack of restraint, impulsive, self-destructive behavior, compulsive behavior, antisocial behavior, or hostility

Mood: anger, loneliness, general discontent, sadness, mood swings, inability to feel pleasure

Psychological: anxiety, narcissism, grandiosity, depression, distorted self-image, or fear

Also common: thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts, self harming

diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in 5

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in 5

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe associative symptoms.

It kind of pisses me off though. Because I am a walking definition of this fucking mental illness! My therapist ended up recommending me to another therapist, to a “specialist” for this disorder. So I pretty much expect the only thing that will change is that my medical bills will go up lol

She said that she wanted me to see a specialist because she wanted to be straight with me. Didn’t want to attempt at fixing something that wasn’t her specialty. Her specialty is drug and alcohol addictions. Not my fortay lol I am happy that she was straight with me. That she took the time to make me understand that this is not something doctors like to diagnose because it is such a difficult illness to deal with and to treat. As you read above and as I know it it. I look at my patterns from the past and it’s true, I seek out help and then the second I think it isn’t working I either quit or lash out. My entire life can almost be summed up by my illness, which is sad. It makes me hurt, angry, want to go looking for a fight so I can take it all out on them like it’s their fault. But it’s not. It’s not even my fault. I can’t even blame it on genetics because you can’t control that shit. I can blame it on a few things but what does it do for me to blame it on someone or something? Nothing really. I mean it leads me back to where I know it stared but that doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t stop the ten year old me from being raped. It doesn’t stop the 14 year old me from being drugged at a party and raped (or whatever was done because he was leaving when i was gaining consciousness). It doesn’t stop my mom from saying I’m a liar or that she doesn’t believe me or that when I told her I was cutting and depressed that i was saying it for attention.

I can’t blame anyone besides myself. But can I even do that?

To continue swimming or to allow yourself to sink?

To continue swimming would mean a lot of different things in my life. A lot of different things that I would need to do and a lot of things that I am already attempting to do. But letting myself sink… The thought is so much more compelling then to keep up this shit and feeling like I’m getting no where. Like I’m swimming against the waves and not getting closer to shore.

It’s like swimming with weights tied to my ankles. I’ve been doing it for so long that I am starting to cramp. My muscles are tense and tightening and almost to the point where i cannot move them. It hurts to go through the motions. The every day motion, forcing myself to get up in the morning, get dressed, possibly eat when you have no appetite, Going to work, driving and trying to not just cut a semi off and let them hit you, getting to work and trying not to be the biggest cunt ever because your mood swings are so bad today that you even hate yourself. Dealing with bitching customers and suppressing the need to say “FUCK YOU” and deal with your father the next day with a what the fuck attitude. Driving home, get home, getting your nightly anxiety (every goddamn night, I shit you not), taking a Xanax or smoking some pot and thinking maybe I should just take rest of the bottle I mean why the fuck not.. Then remembering that trying to OD last time did not work and resulted in waking up in a pile of your own vomit and causing you to admit yourself into the hospital (which was NO help whatsoever) so that you can possibly get help from the doctors that had no idea what the fuck they were doing and the staff of the crazy ward who don’t know there mouth from their assholes.

Going to sleep and doing the same thing all over again. Sometimes it’s different. Sometimes I’m really good for a week, maybe even a few. I get back on my diet and I work out every day, I feel great. I feel like I’m almost to shore. Things are good again. My family can actually stand to be around me and so can my co-workers. Crazy idea here but why can’t this be all the time? But no. It can’t. I do not know why, nor do i have an explanation for this absurd cycle of my life.

But I can tell myself that no matter how dark it gets while I drown, eventually my body will float back up to the light and some air will some how find it’s way to my lungs and I will breath again and give my good days a hell of a ride. Because that’s all i have right now. That is my hope. That is why I have not  let the weights on my ankles pull me all the way down to the dark depths of the sea. Because I do get close to shore. I may never get there completely but I get to wade in the sand bar long enough to breath life into my dying and raged lungs. I get to be a human again and not some monster dragged up from the bottoms of the sea.

The ocean is so pretty, so alluring sometimes. Being so deep down there you have such off thoughts. I guess the lack of “oxygen” gets to you and makes you see things that aren’t there. Like the plus sides of dying, which i think there are many. But being back to the shore shows me the things I live for every day. I have three younger sisters and a younger brother. I am the oldest. I’ve changed all of their diapers. I’ve rocked them to sleep, showed them how to play soccer and volleyball. I’ve helped them get through school and I have so much more that I need to be there to see. I would never want my mom to have to bury me. My dad is another story. I wouldn’t want him to have to but at the same time I would want him to hurt so much more then I can imagine. To hurt like he has hurt me. To feel as low as he had me through the years. I know he loves me, I know he has done a lot for my family. But there is a sick part of me that wants him to know how he has made me feel. I’ll talk about that another day. I love my parents very much. I don’t want them to ever have to find my body and read my suicide notes, that yes I have written already. I don’t want them to have to make the decision on breaking my shoulders if I don’t fit in the coffin they bought because yes that is a question that is posed, we had to do that with my grampa and I studied mortuary science for a long time and came across that information. I wouldnt want them to have to cremate me either. But if they one day do, I want them to read these blog entries. To know that my death wasn’t in vain and that maybe I helped someone that is going through what I am. To know that it wasn’t all their fault.

The end of that got a little sappy, sorrrrrrry. I normally am not one to care that much but when it comes to my family I have a hard time not caring. There’s a lot of things that I have been through that my family does not know about. Maybe they will find out one day. Maybe not. Why make someone hurt more then they have to… Why let someone know all your dirty little secrets if it will tear them to pieces? Because sometimes you just have to. Sometimes knowing the reasons why someone is the way they are, it helps them cope. That seems to be a word I run into all too often. Fuck learning how to “cope”. What is coping? I don’t know.. Hopefully, maybe I’ll find out and tell you lol

But good night creepy strangers that read about my life. I hope my problems please your entertainment needs.

Checkin’ In.

Let’s do a little check in shall we?

I’m irritated as fuck. The landlord to my work office is having people work on the roof and I want to push them off it and watch them fall… Sounds like I’m in a peachy mood does it not? I woke up in a great mood. I woke up peachy as fuck. Seriously though, I was in a great mood when I woke up. Even called my mom and what not and was a pretty good little chit chat. Got to work, was online talking to a beautiful lady that I some how got to go on a date with me for this Sunday… But then the littlest thing happened.. a tiny argument with my dear old brother.

Now before you start thinking “oh it can’t be that bad, it’s just words, don’t be so sensitive.” Sensitive is in my nature. Being overly sensitive, feeling things too much or strongly is apart of this incredibly complex illness. So is everything changing on a dime.

I went from incredibly happy to overly defensive and angry as all hell. You could feel the vibes flowing off me. It’s interesting how things work up there in the brain. It also makes me want to scream. But now I feel chill again and am watching this beautiful video of an A Capella group called Voctronica, they are indian based. They have a very groovy, foot tapping kind of vibe, makes you just want to dance. They did a rendition of Ed Sheeran’s song “sing”. I was very impressed.

But see what I mean, fly on a dime I tell you!

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply”